Childhood trauma left unprocessed can lead to toxic relationships in adult life. Previous abuse is often unconsciously reenacted in intimidate adult relationships leading to constant triggers and emotional flashbacks.
It is often very difficult to end toxic relationships. You feel stuck and can’t leave, even though you know that the relationship isn’t doing you any good.
What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
Toxic relationships are abusive. Manipulation, gaslighting and coercive control are the salient characteristics of these kinds of relationships.
Manipulation is one way in which abusers distort reality. It’s not only about manipulating the victim into doing things, but also into thinking or believing things they normally wouldn’t think or believe. Manipulation is also about making victims feel at fault, even when they have done nothing wrong.
Manipulation doesn’t rely solely on words. Silence and stonewalling can also be manipulative.
Gaslighting leads victims to slowly doubt their sense of reality, as well as lose trust in their own thoughts, feelings and memories. It can be direct or subtle, explicit or implicit.
Since we all need validation and acknowledgment of our feelings, thoughts, perceptions and memories, gaslighting is an especially traumatizing form of abuse.
Gaslighting usually occurs within relationships, whether it is an intimate relationship, a friendship or within the family. It is a form of abuse which uses knowledge about another person and turns it against them, usually in ways that are cruel and lack all empathy.
Toxic relationships are also characterized by control not only over another person’s thoughts and feelings, but over their own personal reality. Controlling behaviour not only leads to the victim’s loss of freedom, but also to a loss of self-worth.
Real emotional connection is not possible in toxic relationships. Emotional connection relies of mutual recognition, interest and understanding, and this tends to be missing.
Why do people stay in toxic relationships?
Toxic relationships are not only conflictual and destructive, but there is also usually uncertainty about their continuation or ultimate end. Often it is difficult for victims to fully realize that they are being abused by a loved one. Abuse is thus minimized, and this becomes another aspect of toxicity of the relationship.
American psychologist Jennifer Freyd quite appropriately talks about victims “knowing and not knowing” about abuse in relationships. The awareness of abuse is dissociated, because it is too difficult to fully acknowledge.
A person who has experienced childhood abuse is more likely reexperience abuse in adult years. Since childhood abuse is usually disguised as something “normal,” it often feels “normal” for the victim to feel abused all over again. This also makes it difficult and problematic the end toxic and abusive relationships.
Toxic relationships and therapy
Therapy will enable to gain a greater understanding of how previous trauma history impacts on your toxic relationship. Reenactments of earlier abuse can thus be acknowledged and more easily halted.
Part of processing the trauma of toxic relationships is to allow feelings of grief and compassion for yourself. This will allow you to find your personal voice and feelings of self-worth.
As empathy is usually missing in toxic relationships, I consider it an important part of therapy. My empathic listening has grown out of my own life experiences which are one of the pillars of my work.
